"Life is like a ripe melon... sweet and messy"

These were the words of a song I woke up to on NPR. I thought it deserved to be repeated. Life is sweet... and life is messy. Brit's funeral yesterday was one of the most amazing celebrations of life I have been too. There was laughter and there were tears, but the most beautiful thing was that there was standing room only due to the large number of people who came to honor this great God-loving, all people loving man who when described in one word by the pastor, was a man of character. True character is rare in this world... yet he had true character. Brit was moral, kind, generous, loving, and humorous. He never had a bad word about anyone. Ever the Cubs and Bears fan, his optimism was unwavering. Always the sweet melon with very little mess... seedless for sure.

Windy Munchkin Quest Firemen

Today I took a walk around the lake at City Park. I love this lake and enjoy walks around it immensely. It was a special walk because the wind was blowing with gusts of up to 75 mph and the temperature was in the low-mid 50s. For some reason this tepid and stormy weather is a good mix for my soul. I love thunderstorms on a summer night and high winds on an otherwise lovely day. I find that when I am out in conditions like these that it is the only time I'm truly alive. Call me crazy (which is true), but I love stormy weather.

The firemen from truck 4 and 6 also seemed to find the weather suitable to run a practice ice rescue drill over and over and over while I walked around the lake. When I got to them I sat down on a wavy yet flat grey rock on the shore and watched one of them in their puffy yellow suits purposely walk out onto the lake on the 'safe' side and then crawl to a hole in the 'unsafe' side. Next another member would go out with rescue equipment and 'save' the person in the ice. This was done several times. The only problem was the one time I sat down to watch the 'rescue', the rescuer fell into the ice with the 'victim'. I found this to be extremely funny... now they had two victims. I'm pretty sure this wasn't planned and it made me giggle.

Meanwhile, during my walk around the lake, I met a couple also watching the firemen who had a dog who bit me, sat and watched the ducks and geese with their little butts up in the air fed on the plants below, had a fairly attractive man in a cutoff tee shirt and shorts jog by in the opposite direction, and watched the melted pools of water on top of the still solid ice below them blow across in the most amazing dancing patterns. The wind also helped to dry my recently showered hair, or at least the part of it that wasn't under my grey stocking cap or tucked down into my green pea coat along with my pink cashmere scarf.

I then stopped by the Starry Night Cafe for an Americano... my new favorite coffee and new favorite coffee location where I sat on an oversized tan leather chair with my feet beside me and texted and called a couple people. Next thing I knew I was invited over to my friend (best friend) Lindsay's house for dinner. We ate Asian inspired wraps which was extremely fun as we used our hands to make them... filling the sticky hot water dipped rice wraps with rice noodles, shrimp, pork, lettuce, cucumber, carrots, onions, and chicken cashew fillings. We then got to dip them in an assortment of sauces such as a garlic lime infused and peanut concoction; very yummy! Afterwards we played Munchkin Quest which was very fun... it could be because I had beginners luck and won, it could be because the game really is just fun, it could be because I got to play with Matt and Lindsay who are amazing people... or it could be a combination of all three and having a belly full of yummy wraps. Either way it was a sweet treat to a windy firemen filled day.

PS Ironically enough, the front of the Munchkin Quest box is similar to the whipping of things, people and cars that the wind did today... and how I often feel on the inside. Perhaps the wind and I are kindled spirits and perhaps this is why I feel so drawn to be with it when it visits. I love the way it embraces me, kisses my cheeks and guides me while we walk side-by-side.

In memory of Brit

A great man passed away this weekend. I just got the e-mail a few minutes ago. I didn't know him that well, but I knew him enough to have had an opportunity to see how big his heart was. He was always kind and open to helping us students whenever we had any questions or needed help with anything. The news of this tragic loss gives new perspective to just how precious life is. I pray for his wife Becky and two sons, Travis age 22 and Jared age 19.

Brit was an OSHA Consultant at CSU and spent his Thanksgiving holiday down in New Orleans after huricane Katrina helping demolition crews protect themselves from hazards. I can only hope to someday meet a man as kind and wonderful as Brit. His contribution to the world, CSU, his friends and his family will never be forgotten.

We will all miss you Brit!

Sweet Forgiveness

One of the most difficult things a person can do is forgive those who have wronged them. This is nothing however compared to the internal struggle and agony of forgiving yourself. How long does a person need to suffer before they let go, begin fresh and move forward with their life? If ever there was a time and place to start new, it is the beginning of a new year. I thought the issue was handled, taken care of and no longer had a hold on me... but I now see that it is something that I can not just forget about like another bad relationship... that it is a part of me and always will be, FOREVER. The only thing I can do is recognize it, continue to try to forgive and continue to rise above the pain.

I'm sure one day I won't hate myself, I will recognize that I am a strong woman who has persevered and survived... that I'm beautiful, have a lot to offer to the world and I deserve to be loved. I am wise, but not too bright. I recognize that God only gives things to people he knows can handle it, but that he also doesn't hand out upgrades to those who can't handle what they already have. So I know that I need to take care of what I have (including myself) before I will be offered more (including someone who loves me). Friends and family are amazing... I LOVE all of them, but everyone needs a constant companion.

I said in my last post that I stand with open arms... but I got hurt, again. They say the true character of a person is not about how many times they get pushed down, but how many times they get back up. I'm just tired of always being the one to pick myself up. Yet there is no other option, so I dust off my little optimistic button and push it one more time, hoping this time it will stay on longer than a minute. Because if we don't have hope, we don't have anything. I find of late that hope has become more fluid, hiding in the cracks and synopsis of my mind... but it is still there.

Forgiving takes time, hope can grow, and loving myself will take lots of practice, but failure is not an option, so determination is the word of the day. It is time to continue to let that hope grow... protect it and nurture it until one day it has wrapped my heart again in it's warm light.

I said to someone on Friday night after they said I was funny and they were happy to see that I didn't take life too seriously, that I didn't have a choice, that if I did take life too seriously, I'd be crying all the time... this post would be one of those moments. I'm not like this all the time, mostly because I am in denial of many things... so I get good at laughing things off, but sometimes you need to cry it out... and being at home with a cold helps get the water works going. I mean it's efficient, right? I'm already blowing my nose... I may as well wipe a few tears too. Time at home sick allows for time to heal the cold and time heal the heart.

Year of Change

Our year of change is now on day two... seems like it just began yesterday... oh, it did! Happy 2009 to everyone, may the new year bring peace, love, and happiness to all. Life is always constantly changing, but this past year has brought many unexpected changes to America (although some may have predicted them): some bad => downward spiralling economy, job loss, ever increasing distrust in our corporate conglomerations, and some good => a new President -Elect :) who has inspired new hope through his honesty and openness to the American people. No, I'm not all rainbows and butterflies, even Obama has said it will take time to turn our upside-down economy around, and may not happen in his first term, but you gotta give the man credit for doing everything in his power to turn us back around onto the right path.

For me, this year brings with it many changes... some known and others unknown. The known changes are another graduation from college... this time I will be honored with a Master's degree in Health Physics (a.k.a. Radiation Protection), a new career and with it a move that will take me to another new beginning. I suspect I will be meeting many new people come May/June/July.

The unknown part is where this new career will take me... not only geographically, but will it finally be my stopping point; the place where I feel like I am performing at my best and making a contribution to society, which has always been my ultimate goal. Further, will I finally be able to own a home, met the man who will become my life-partner, and finally be able to call a place "home"? Oh how long have I dreamt of such a day!

I am both excited and nervous for this year... but I (so far) am standing with open arms, open eyes, and an open heart to what the year holds in store for me, and for the world.

Happy New Year!