Sweet Forgiveness

One of the most difficult things a person can do is forgive those who have wronged them. This is nothing however compared to the internal struggle and agony of forgiving yourself. How long does a person need to suffer before they let go, begin fresh and move forward with their life? If ever there was a time and place to start new, it is the beginning of a new year. I thought the issue was handled, taken care of and no longer had a hold on me... but I now see that it is something that I can not just forget about like another bad relationship... that it is a part of me and always will be, FOREVER. The only thing I can do is recognize it, continue to try to forgive and continue to rise above the pain.

I'm sure one day I won't hate myself, I will recognize that I am a strong woman who has persevered and survived... that I'm beautiful, have a lot to offer to the world and I deserve to be loved. I am wise, but not too bright. I recognize that God only gives things to people he knows can handle it, but that he also doesn't hand out upgrades to those who can't handle what they already have. So I know that I need to take care of what I have (including myself) before I will be offered more (including someone who loves me). Friends and family are amazing... I LOVE all of them, but everyone needs a constant companion.

I said in my last post that I stand with open arms... but I got hurt, again. They say the true character of a person is not about how many times they get pushed down, but how many times they get back up. I'm just tired of always being the one to pick myself up. Yet there is no other option, so I dust off my little optimistic button and push it one more time, hoping this time it will stay on longer than a minute. Because if we don't have hope, we don't have anything. I find of late that hope has become more fluid, hiding in the cracks and synopsis of my mind... but it is still there.

Forgiving takes time, hope can grow, and loving myself will take lots of practice, but failure is not an option, so determination is the word of the day. It is time to continue to let that hope grow... protect it and nurture it until one day it has wrapped my heart again in it's warm light.

I said to someone on Friday night after they said I was funny and they were happy to see that I didn't take life too seriously, that I didn't have a choice, that if I did take life too seriously, I'd be crying all the time... this post would be one of those moments. I'm not like this all the time, mostly because I am in denial of many things... so I get good at laughing things off, but sometimes you need to cry it out... and being at home with a cold helps get the water works going. I mean it's efficient, right? I'm already blowing my nose... I may as well wipe a few tears too. Time at home sick allows for time to heal the cold and time heal the heart.